Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Friend Zone

There is a sixth dimension, one that is occupied only by males. It is a dimension that's lonely and occupied by similar souls. This dimension is not a middle ground, does not lie between love and hate, but does lie between a man's quest for love and desire for affection. This dimension is of woman's creation. It is an area they call "The Friend Zone."

Apologizes to Rod Sterling for that introduction. But, it gets to the point of today's F.U. rant. So, men, this one is for those of us who have been sent to this dreaded zone. And if you've never been sent there, pay attention, cause one day, it can happen to you.

Men, ever walk into a bar, maybe a club, and see a girl who catches your eyes? You are eyeing her, she is eyeing you. And you figure, green light! So, you make your move. You buy her a drink, she accepts. The two of you talk, maybe dance, have a few more drinks. At the end of the night, you take her home, walk her to her door, and phone numbers are exchanged. You hang out a few times, and you are really liking this girl. So, one day, you decide to make a move. Maybe you try kissing her. or maybe you bring up the subject of dating. And she turns you down. She says you are just a friend, that she doesn't like you in that way. Feeling stupid, and rejected, you accept that and forget about the fact you ever made that move. And you keep her around as a friend because you really enjoy her company. But, in the back of your mind, you know you have been put into the FRIEND ZONE.

Or how about this scene, which is fits today's computer aged society. You meet a girl online. Emails are exchanged, then pictures, and finally phone numbers. The girl is attractive, at least to you, and you are excited about meeting her. So, you make a date and all goes well. Then one night, while talking to her, she tells you about a guy she just met and how hot he is and how gorgeous his car is, how he has a high paying job, and is worth a lot of money. She is madly in love. The only reaction you can have is: good luck with him.  You've just been put in the FRIEND ZONE.

But, that's not all. How many times, over the course of your friendship with either girl from above, does the girl whine and moan and cry to you, saying over and over how she cannot find a nice guy? Probably more times than you care to remember. And how many times do you want to pop your ear drums just to stop hearing the whining?

I'll let you in on something that happened to me. I met this girl, we'll call her Allison, through a working relationship. Her company cleared the work my company would process. Her job was as customer service representative. If there was a problem on my side of the work equation, I would have to call her department for assistance. One day, I had an issue and called. She answered and helped me out with the issue. From there, her and I started emailing at work (probably not the smartest thing to do since corporate emails are monitored, but we weren't saying anything private or dirty). We exchanged pictures (via personal email this time). And instantly I thought the girl was gorgeous. She was (and still is) beautiful. I developed a major interest in her. But, I kept it professional at work.

However, she was asking me a lot of personal questions. They were questions you'd ask someone you were interested in. The consensus between my friends and I was she liked me. With that, we made plans to meet one day after work for some drinks. Which, we did.

There is a restaurant/bar in the building where my office is located. We met there. I ordered her a drink, and we took a seat at a table. And we talked, and talked, and laughed, and talked. The two of us hit it off. I thought something may have been developing, but still, had to take things slow because I don't like to force things to happen. Unless I am given the green light, then all bets are off.

So, there we are, having a few drinks, laughing, sharing stories. And then she had to leave to get home to her daughter. We decided to meet up on Friday after work, where she didn't have to worry about getting home early since the daughter was to be with her father (she was a single mom but her and the father shared custody of the daughter).

Friday comes and sure enough, she shows up to the restaurant/bar to meet me. We take a seat at the same table actually, and once again, we have a few drinks. This time, she meets my co-workers. And we all hang out in a group. The night was getting late, she was getting tired, and said she wanted to leave. I was beat by that time, and said I'd leave with her. We live in the same town, and I figured we could travel together. She accepted. I dropped her off at her house with a promise we would talk over the weekend.

Monday rolls around. I get an email from her apologizing for not calling me. I said it was no big deal, things happen. She then proceeds to ask me about one of the guys I work with. This line of questioning took me by surprise. Why would she be asking me about a guy I worked with? Weren't her and I hitting it off? I thought so.

Anyway, the guy she was asking me about, we'll call him Dean, was a major player. And yet, the girls loved him. He had a following no matter where he went. Females just gravitated toward him. He had a choice of any female he wanted, any day of the week, any night he wanted some female companionship. All he had to do was snap his fingers and a girl was there to give herself to him. So, I'm in a bind. Do I tell her the truth about him, and risk sounding jealous? Or do I lie, and risk losing her to this guy? So, I told her something in the middle of the truth and a lie.

Anyway, to get to the point. Fuzzy was out. Dean was in. And he was in in a big way. Once again, Fuzzy lost the girl. And once again, Dean got the girl he wanted. Yes, Fuzzy was a pissed off male at that point. But, also as part of my character, I remained this girl's friend. Once I saw I lost her, I figured nothing more to lose, so I told her the truth about him, By then, too late. She was charmed and blinded by this guy, so she didn't believe me.

Of course, until, he cheated on her. She caught him only once, but I'm sure he cheated on her any chance he got. That was the kind of guy he was. Yes, he was an asshole. Like I said, though, she was charmed and enchanted by him. And, as predicted, she called me crying, "Why can't I find a nice guy? I always find the assholes. Just once I want to find a nice guy who will like me for me, treat me right, and not cheat on me."

Um, hello Allison, you DID meet that guy. That guy was me. And you tossed me into that dreaded FRIEND ZONE. You allowed yourself to be charmed by a dog. So, no, I didn't feel bad for you. I was just annoyed that I had to listen to your whining about always going for the assholes.

And why is it that females are attracted to assholes? Do women really love to be treated like a pile of dog excrement? Is it really in their genetic make up to want to be treated like a piece of raw meat? To be chewed up and spit out when the guy is finished with you? I never understood why you ladies pass up the nice guys and always go for those bozos with the slicked back hair, or gelled spike cuts, shirts unbuttoned to their frigging stomach, and twenty gold chains around their neck. That should be a warning sign, not an invitation to your neden! (Don't know what a neden is? Listen to Insane Clown Posse and you'll know real quick).

I should say, in fairness, not ALL women are like this. There are some women out there who do appreciate a good guy. Though, I will say, every woman HAS been this way at least once in her life, going for the asshole/bad boy while pushing a nice guy to the FRIEND ZONE. Some women mature and realize the nice guy is the best guy. Other women? Well, they never grow up to appreciate nice guys. Maybe lack of self esteem? Who knows. Personally, I don't care. You bring it on yourselves, so stop whining about finding only assholes and dogs. You gravitate toward them because YOU WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE CRAP!

How many hearts of good guys have been broken and crushed because the girl was, at one time, blinded and charmed by the asshole? How many men refuse to even get into relationships now because of past experiences? And how many nice guys became assholes because, let's face it, women are attracted to them?

So men, join me in giving these females who only go for assholes while pushing nice guys into the friend zone, then bitch that they can't find a nice guy (UM YOU HAVE ONE RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE!!!!) the Big F.U.


And women, don't worry. Men are just as guilty. There will be a future rant against such men. Yes, I am an equal opportunity F.U. disher. So men, beware. I'm coming after you as well.

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